Simplifying Your Writing, Episode 1: Because

The reason for this post, that is, insofar as this post is concerned, due to the fact that this post is being posted at all; that is, in light of the fact that it is being posted in the first place, this post is being posted on the grounds that it is a post.

Ugh. As the great E.B. White said so eloquently, "Avoid unnecessary words."

All of the following awful phrases can be replaced by just one word: Because (or in some instances why). Try it.

• for the reason that


• insofar as


• in as much as


• due to the fact that


• owing to the fact that


• in light of the fact that


• considering the fact that


• on the grounds that

Weaving Definitions Into Text

Many inexperienced healthcare writers struggle to define newly introduced terms without using the same technique over and over or without sounding incredibly boring. Take heart. Writing is more a craft than a science, after all, and just as there is more than one way for a taxidermist to skin a cat, there is also more than one way for writers to weave definitions into text. Here are just a few techniques, showing an example statement with a new term, an edited version, and a short explanation of the technique itself. I've used boldface to indicate new terms. Many publications and most textbooks use boldface formatting to indicate new terms, so the reader can spot them quickly.

Comma-offset with "or"

Original: An individual's complaint of headache should not be minimized or unthinkingly treated with analgesics before the underlying cause has been determined.


Edited: An individual's complaint of headache should not be minimized or unthinkingly treated with painkillers, or analgesics, before the underlying cause has been determined.


Technique: Swapping out an unfamiliar term with a familiar one works well for articles geared for the lay public. Then just add a comma and "or" before the medical term.

"a condition in which"

Original: The prognosis is guarded if the embolism is massive enough to trigger a pulmonary infarction (which occurs in about 10 percent of cases).


Edited: The prognosis is guarded if the embolism is massive enough to trigger a pulmonary infarction, a condition in which lung tissues die and which occurs in about 10 percent of cases.


Technique: The phrases "a condition in which," "a disease in which," and similar phrases can really help you out of a jam. One of the best editors I ever worked for, the late and wonderful Vince Marteka, once told me that when space is at a premium, if you can't readily explain how something happens, then explain what happens. That's basically the formula here. Rather than a detailed explanation of how a pulmonary infarct occurs, I just explained the end result (death of lung tissue). That's often the only thing the reader needs at that point anyway.

Parenthetical definitions

Original: This involves removing the embolus or ligation or plication of the vena cava to prevent the migration of new emboli into the pulmonary circulation.


Edited: This involves removing the embolus completely. It may also involve a tying off (ligation) or folding over (plication) of the vena cava surgically to prevent the migration of new emboli into the pulmonary circulation.


Technique: This is a simple technique but one that shouldn't be overused. Parenthetical phrases tend to wear the reader out after awhile. Oh, and most publications prefer placing common terms first and scientific terms second, but others prefer the reverse.

"commonly called"

Original: In adults, the obstruction is more often acquired, resulting from blockage by uroliths or neoplasms.


Edited: In adults, the obstruction is more often acquired, resulting from blockage by neoplasms or uroliths, commonly called kidney stones.


Technique: This is a fun and easy technique that requires only the addition of a comma and phrase, such as "commonly called," "otherwise known as," or "typically named."

Multiple terms in same sentence

Original: As the lumen of the coronary artery narrows, gradual ischemia causes cells in the myocardium to weaken and die.


Edited: As the opening, or lumen, of the coronary artery narrows, the reduced blood flow deprives cells in the myocardium (heart muscle) to weaken and die, a condition called ischemia.


Technique: You can introduce several terms in one sentence but not without really thinking it through. Generally I advise limiting new terms to two per sentence. If you find you need more, you might want to break the sentence into parts. Whatever you decide, try to vary the technique used when introducing a term to avoid sounding repetitive.

Separate sentences

Original and a good way to do it:
Otitis media is an accumulation of fluid within the structure of the middle ear. The condition is subclassified into either serous or suppurative categories, according to the composition of the accumulating fluid. In serous otitis media, the fluid…. In suppurative otitis media, the fluid….


Technique: When you have several new terms, keep their definitions simple for the reader by breaking up the sentences. There is no substitute for clarity.


Learn these methods (or keep a copy of this blog handy) and you'll be breezing through those definitions in no time.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

If you haven't seen the book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (http://bit.ly/8CHze9), you're missing something great. It's a funny, savvy, and fascinating look at punctuation abuses and how to avoid them. Written by Brit Lynne Truss, the book explains the ins and outs of commas, semi-colons, and those greatly misunderstood apostrophes. Hysterically funny and dead-on correct, this is a must-read for authors and editors and especially for those who want to become one or the other.

Think before you print

Came across a poster on my train today. Dumb, dumb, dumb. It was basically a union poster complaining about Southwest's policies for, I believe, discounted fares for employees and their families.

I say "I believe" because there was no way to tell, really, what they meant. Here's the first part of the poster:

Brotherly LUV
Southwest Style?
Not for Southwest Airlines
Flight Attendents (sic)

Okay, so they misspelled "Attendents." These are union local folks, give them a break. But here's the part that flummoxed me:

Discount Fares - Not Discounted
Employees and Families

Huh? Do they mean something like, "Discount Fares? Not Discounted for Employees and Families"? (Yes, that end punctuation is correct.) Or do they mean, though this is more far-fetched, "Discount the Fares - Not the Employees and Families"?

Admittedly the latter begs the question, What is a discounted employee? Clearly someone not holding his own. Regardless, I believe they mean that they want discounted fares for employees and their families, which apparently they're not receiving now. But heavens, the wording and construct are just plain squirrely.

So, to the poster folks at Transport Workers Union Local 556, I say, please read what you've written before you sign off on the poster, would you? THINK! At LEAST show your stuff to someone with an editorial bent. Now, if you did do that, if an editorial-type person did in fact read the poster, FIRE that person! Yikes!

For the rest of us, we need always, always, always to read what we've written -- before we publish -- from the point of view of our reader. Couldn't hurt. Might help.